


You Are Not Andrew Hussie So Stop It

by MsOzma



Series: HSWC 2014 Fills [31]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 15:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2030352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsOzma/pseuds/MsOzma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Please forgive me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Are Not Andrew Hussie So Stop It

**Author's Note:**

> This was for a Futurama based prompt, okay, I COULDN'T TURN IT DOWN.
> 
> This was the prompt:
> 
> "Andrew Hussie & The Readers
> 
> Narrator: You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.  
> [Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins]  
> Clyde Smith: Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven! [wins again] A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in Hell!  
> Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane! [unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]  
> Clyde: There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!  
> Cabot: Why should I believe you, you're Hitler! [pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection is indeed Hitler]  
> Clyde: No! [turns to a woman sitting next to him] Eva Braun! Help me!  
> [The woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly. Clyde screams]  
> Bender: Eh, saw it coming. 
> 
> \- I Dated a Robot, Futurama"

Your name is not Andrew Hussie.  
  
How could you be Andrew Hussie? You’ll tell yourself how: you can’t, pure and simple. You can’t be Andrew Hussie because  _I’m_  Andrew Hussie. There can’t be two Andrew Hussies at once—that just wouldn’t make sense! What kind of useless tool of an author would make multiple instances of his own self? And don’t try to tell me it’s the same as making multiples of my characters because that’s just stupid.  
  
So no, you are not Andrew Hussie, nor will you ever  _be_  Andrew Hussie. Are we clear on this?  
  
You nod your head yes. What do you mean you don’t nod your head yes? Of course you do! I just  _said_  you did, didn’t I? I wouldn’t lie about these things.  
  
So if you’re not Andrew Hussie, you ask, who are you? You mean, it’s not like it’s an easy question to answer. You could be plenty of different people. Barring the possibility of just being yourself, I’ve created a lot of different stories, so there’s a vast array of people to choose from. You really hope it’s someone from the MSPA catalog of stories though—especially Homestuck. You’ll never admit it out loud, but you secretly wish you could be Equius. Why Equius? Because he’s your favorite. He’s your favorite because I said so. No, your favorite’s not Horuss! Stop trying to argue this with me!  
  
You know what? Fuck this. If you’re not going to be cooperative, then neither will I. You’re not going to be Equius  _or_  Horuss. No lovable sweaty BDSM fetishists for you.  
  
You’re going to be Gamzee instead.  
  
Wait... what do you mean  _he’s_ your favorite too? What... you like his  _character arc_? This is bullshit, there’s literally nothing to appreciate about that guy. He’s just a weird, psychotic juggalo!  
  
 _Sigh._ I guess I have no choice.  
  
 _YOU ARE CRONUS AMPORA._  
  
...OH GODDAMMIT, YOU LIKE HIM TOO!? HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY LIKE HIM?!?! I created him _specifically_ so you could hate him!!! Ugh... _fine_. Forget it, then.  
  
You’re not anyone from Homestuck. No, that doesn’t mean you’re anyone from Problem Sleuth.  _No_ , you’re not from Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff either. You’re not even someone from Humanimals!   
  
You...are some guy named CLYDE SMITH. Yeah, bet you didn’t see  _that_  one coming, did you?   
  
Now what is this totally non-Homestuck non-MSPA non-any-person-from-my-stories character named Clyde Smith going to do?   
  
Clyde Smith: Put coins in slot machine.  
  
You put some coins in a slot machine. What slot machine, you ask? I don’t know, do I  _look_  like I gamble? The point is, you put some coins in a slot machine of some kind.  
  
And you win! Wow, that’s great!!!  
  
You would probably feel better about it if you didn’t already know you were dead.  
  
(YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. I KILLED HIM BEFORE YOU EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO LOVE HIM.)  
  
But that’s okay. If you’re winning at a casino, it must mean you’re in heaven.  
  
Clyde Smith: Put more coins in slot machine.  
  
You put more coins in the slot machine, and you win again. Suddenly, you feel a sense of boredom. What kind of casino lets its patrons win every time? That takes the thrill and excitement out of the experience!  
  
Wait, why are you even complaining? You’re a gambler in a casino where you always win! How could that possibly bother you? Why do you have to be so fickle and picky about this?  
  
You know what? Just for that, I’m going to say you’re not in heaven. You’re in  _heck_. That’s right, I said “heck” and not the other word. That other word is “hell.”  
  
Clyde Smith: Don’t be in H-E-double hockey stick.  
  
What? You can’t give that command! I already said you were there! You can’t do retcons in this story!  
  
Fine, fine. I’ll be nice and bend to your capricious whims, even if they _are_ completely unreasonable. You’re not in hell. You’re on an airplane. An airplane with...some crazy monster trying to destroy it or something. I think I remember seeing that on an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.  
  
No, don’t you DARE start saying that doesn’t make sense! YOU’RE the one who tried to get yourself out of hell, you cheap con artist! I’m only abiding your wishes here!!!  
  
Clyde Smith: Inform flight attendant about tiny monster trying to destroy plane.  
  
You try to inform the flight attendant, but the flight attendant ignores you. Mainly because I don’t feel like trying to put in their dialog, whoever they may be.  
  
What do you  _mean_  that’s lazy writing? YOU’RE lazy writing. Literally. I came up with the idea of you only a few minutes ago.  
  
But okay, you want something more convoluted? The flight attendant ignores youbecause  _you are literally Hitler_.  
  
Oh, and before you ask Eva Braun to save you? She’s a giant fly.  
  
HOW’S _THAT_ FOR A PLOT TWIST, MOTHERF—  
  
 _THIS IS THE STUPIDEST SHIT I HAVE EVER READ! IT’S NOT EVEN THAT CLEVER OR FUNNY!!!!!!!! G8T 8ACK T8 WRIT8NG 8UR STORY, YOU HORSE-O8SESSED OR8NGE FR8AK!!!!!!!!_  
  
Oh, God, not  _her_  again. Who does she think she is, taking over the narrative prompt like that? That’s just typical, breaking my heart and then getting me all roped up in her schemes again. This is BEYOND cruel.  
  
Just for that, I’m extending the pause for another  _800 YEARS_. How does THAT sound, spider hag!?  
  
...She just made me punch myself.  
  
MSPA Reader: ???


End file.
